And just like that, the footy is back! What a whirlwind of a Thursday and Friday evening coaches had scrambling to get their squads in order! Round 1 had it all… From no Yeo, to am arm snapping in half, to Phillips named as sub, to the Xerri bomb, to bulk head knocks, to up and down scores across the board from rookies and premiums alike. Coaches were given a stark reminder of the peaks and troughs of our great game. Remember, it gets easier from here!

Without further ado, here is your first edition of The Weekend That Was for 2023!

Richmond vs Carltank

Studs

Taranto (123) – Never. In. Doubt. You gotta wonder what 45% of the competition is smoking… Genuinely fraudulent to have TT available as a forward!

Nank (115) – The tank just reminding young De Koning who the biggest ruck dog on opening night is… From a fantasy perspective, you know he will ruck solo for the time being so it’s not the dumbest move you’ll ever see!

Doch (110) – Standard Doch. Kick-Ins, cheap +6’s, a loooooong unloaded bomb from downtown and another fantasy ton. It could’ve easily been 120+ if Carltank had it on their terms late.

Lynch (63) – Yeah horsesh*t fantasy score but all the punters out there who backed Richmond were low-key cheerin’! Ice in the veins. #thanksTommy

Duds

Dutchy Hollands (44) – It’s tough but a 50 wouldn’t go astray, Dutchy… Probably ran more kms than he had disposals! Big ouch for many coaches who fielded him after the Will Phillips stitch up! He’ll be better for the run so let’s hope he isn’t given the ass at the first possible opportunity.

Cowan (35) – Mmmm not much of a cash Cowan… For what it’s worth I thought he looked good, particularly in the first half where he racked up 32 points. Michael Toss Voss then proceeded to sub him out at 3QT after 53% time on ground! He clearly didn’t jump on the Cowan train. Lets just hope he lives to fight another week!

Geelong vs Collingwood

Studs

Dependlebury (118) – Vintage Pendles. Cheeky draft slider for a few I imagine! 27 touches to go with 8 tackles and a goal.

N.Daicos (114) – New season, same old pisstake. The amount of time and space this bloke was given with the footy was baffling! Multiple times he set up scores off his own boot roaming around off half-back doing whatever the f*ck he wanted…

De Goey (113) – Amazing to think his biggest indiscretion over the off/preseason was a dangerous tackle which may have ruled him out of R1! Whatever clauses the contract boffins have put in place must be working wonders!

Howe (31) – For those who missed it, Jez was involved in a brutal collision and basically snapped his arm in half. Lets hope it isn’t too serious for Howe but gee it looked dire at the time! All the best Jez.

Duds

Mitchell (84) – Okay so the score isn’t diabolical but I have concerns… This was one of Mitchell’s most influential games in recent times whilst only gathering 21 disposals to go with 11 clearances, 14 contested possessions and 2 goals. Clearly his game is evolving under McRae and he did spend chunks forward of the ball. If you have nothing else pressing, there’s justification there!

Guthrie (54) – Can’t say I recognised the guy with virtually no hair… Doesn’t help when you turn in one of your worst scores in years.

Stewart (14) –

Norf vs West Coast

Studs

Sheezel (118) – Daicos 2.0 anyone? What a mammoth debut from the Sheezel basically playing as quarterback and running around unopposed for 120 minutes! 34 disposals, 9 marks and a debut for the ages.

Shuey (118) – Not overly fantasy relevant but nice to see the Shoe fit and firing. Priced at <$800K if anyone is game?!

Ziebell (109) – I mentioned it in the preseason, partly as a bit of a pisstake but IF Ziebell could go back to the 2021 days junking it up at half-back, THEN he has to be considered! And that’s exactly what he did. Bulk kick-ins, at least a handful of completely useless +6’s and 1% of the competition not only with big kahunas but cheerin’ big time.

LDU (108) – Need I say more?

Ginbey (92) – The kid looks unreal! Really no surprise that he is owned by 61% of the comp – played plenty of midfield minutes which bodes well for his scoring. I honestly think Ginbey can nudge an average of 80 based on what he has put up so far. Lock.

Duds

Cunnington (61) – Yes it’s a great story but 61 just ain’t gonna cut it, Cunno.

Chesser (32) – Who? Can’t believe this guy shares initials with a god-tier bev like Canadian Club…

Xerri (26) – What nightmares are made of. 3.59% of the competition with a permanent psychological injury after going through the with Xerri bomb at R2. Good luck finding a replacement in a similar price bracket!

Port Adelaide vs Brisbane

Studs

*Cue the cricket noises…* Literally no one tonned in this game! Port averaged 75 fantasy points apiece yet no one eclipsed the triple figures – unfathomable! I guess one bloke should get a mention…

Gorne-Francis (90) – All 15 of Norf’s fanbase worldwide triggered wondering where this was down at Arden Street… I’m sure Horney would bite back by saying he was in an “unstable environment”! To rub salt into the wound, Kochie has reliably informed me that Horney is now a fan of ice-baths…

Duds

Dunks (77) – Meh. He’s owned by close to 60% of the comp so if you had to have any of player feature in the ‘duds’ section it would be Dunks! Before you ask, trade if you want to hate yourself for the rest of the season.

Neale (72) – Now this one hurts… It’s not like Port were even putting any extra time into him, he just didn’t play well. Simple fix, Lachie!

Houston (58) – About as consistent as Pauline Hanson’s stance on company tax cuts…

Starcevich (15) – If anyone needs advice on how to avoid leather for 120 minutes, I know a guy.

Melbourne vs Western Bulldogs

Studs

Oliver (124) – Classic Claytonne. Short hair, long hair, pale skin, sunburnt – Clarry will get the job done!

Treloar (121) – It was put on record preeeeetty early that the Doggies mids would benefit from the departure of Dunkley… Fair to say Treloar capitalised immediately! All five of the doggies prime midfielders went 95+ in a 50 point loss – huge numbers!

Kozi (120) – Dynamic. Particularly when he went airborne to (almost) knock Bazlenka into next week… As mentioned in the preseason, Kozi got a bit of time in the middle but now he’s set for an early holiday!

English (115) – Tough matchup they said. It doesn’t matter when you move as well as big Timmy! 24 disposals, 6 marks and 4 tackles as the big ruck dogs continue to raise the bar.

Max (113) – Big Max bucking his trend of spudding it up in R1 with his first opening round ton since 2018!

Chandler (104) –

Duds

Grundy (79) – 69% time on ground?! Genuine pisstake from Goody though when you think about he’s not exactly a spearhead when playing forward… Avoid.

McLean (14) – Wow, how quickly the tables turn… Just 6 weeks ago McLean was owned by 30%ish of the comp as a discounted gem… Fast forward to now and he has been outcast to sub and had 14 points in 38% game time. Alarming and 5% of the comp living in February!

Gold Coast vs Sydney

Studs

Witts (137) – Boom! Clearly was listening when yours truly mentioned “he’ll be consistent but won’t go massive” and took it personally! He had 51 hit-outs alone. 51! Don’t expect that every week, nor the 25 touches – wowzers.

Warner (117) – The Chad back at it again with 30 touches to open the season! Nice draft slider for those who jumped on.

Lloyd (107) – Vintage Llooooooyd. Started slowly, then came to life, feasting on the carcass when the game was put to bed with bulk +6’s on a dewwy night up on the Gold Coast!

Constable (87) –

Duds

Mills (87) – Maybe a little harsh but you’ve just about broken the bank to get to Mills and as a POD… He was coming in underdone and was sporting a glove to protect his finger. He’ll be fine but we can’t be copping <90 from a guy who’s setting us back close to $1m!

Heeney (64) – What a tease this man has been for so many years on the fantasy circuit… Hope you’re not stuck with a permanent forward in draft!

Buddy (41) – Speaking of early holidays… Tada Bud.

BWS vs Crom

Studs

Tom Green (128) – Ho hey! Dua must’ve been in town 😍 37 disposals, 15 contested possessions, 6 marks, 1 goal and endless supply of Banana Boat SPF 50+ for Greeny on a hot Sunday arvo in Sydney’s west.

Cogs (104) – Gun. Just knows how to fantasy when played in the right position… With Kelly and Perryman now out Cogs will be at the coal face doing plenty of heavy lifting!

Callaghan (83) – 80+ from a guy you are paying $406K for?! Massive. Was looking destined for a 60 until he buttered up for some filthy junk at the end including +12 in the final minute. The commitment we don’t deserve but always need!

Pedlar (70) – Solid as a rock was L.Pedlar. Suuuurely he’s not getting dropped after that performance… He was dynamic around the ball and snagged a goal of his own to go with 13 touches and 6 marks!

Duds

Cumming (65) – Can’t say I saw this cumming… Particularly after Whitfield pulled out early with concussion!

Desk rig (57) – Speaking of not seeing something coming… Dafuq happened here?! 30% of the competition in utter disbelief and 70% of the competition rubbing their hands together for when Laird bottoms out at around $900K!

Whitfield (48) –

Hawthorn vs Essendon

Studs

Sicily (126) – Honestly disgusting. Despite sustaining an overuse injury to his neck from watching the ball sail over his head all day, it was junk city at the back for Sic Dawg. My loyal followers know all to well my love-hate relationship with this bloke… 2023 is sure to write another chapter!

Setterfield (122) – New club, new lease on life, 120+ if you don’t mind! Slotted straight into the Dons midfield at the coalface and had 25 disposals, 10 mark, 6 tackles and a goal.

Merrett (107) – Had Maginness dry-humping him for a fair portion of the game but in atypical Zach style, actually rose above! Performances like this will give the Dons fans and fantasy coaches alike hope that the odd stinker is a rarity in 2023.

Perkins (104) – The POD of all PODs with <1% ownership… Don’t be surprised if this rises on the back of that performance from Archie! Less than 1000 coaches with the biggest balls going around!

Day (98) – Nice! He was earmarked for greater opportunity was Will Day and he didn’t disappoint in his first outing splitting his time off half-back and on ball. Hopefully a sign on things to come.

Worpedo (96) – Cha-ching baby! Worpedo means business in 2023 and he is priced under $500K! Absurd for a guy who has won a best and fairest at his club.

Duds

Meek (49) – Meek as piss.

Greene (30) – Oh Fergus… We knew you were going to be a slow-burn but fuck me mate, at this point you’ve barely made us a dollar – inconceivable.

St Kilda vs Freo

Studs

Ryan (156) – Bonkers. Freo were playing keepings off for a long periods in the game and boy didn’t it suit the man with two first names to a tee! 30 disposals and thirteen, THIRTEEEEN marks for Freo’s evergreen fullback.

Brayshaw (118) –

Young (116) – This could be his year. The year Hayden Young finally realises his potential and becomes a top 6 defender! They love the ball in his hands and Freo’s high possession game style should suit him. One I’ll be keeping an eye on!

Duds

Mareshall Marshall (74) – Arghhhhh. Really Rowan? It was supposed to be set up perfectly for you as the #1 solo ruck. He better pull his finger out before Ross the Boss introduces a 2nd ruck into the fold!

Fyfe (46) –

Dennis Cometti (29) – Yes we weren’t expecting Dennis to set the world on fire but gee whiz, that was grim! He did have good moments but to not even make 30 is demoralising for 5% of the competition. Rectify immediately.

The Juggernaut Review

2060.

Given the chaos that ensued over the past 96 hours, actually not bhed at all – first time yours truly has been inside the top 10K since about R4 last year. Bonkers for a self-proclaimed fantasy guru who was floating on air after 23 good weeks playing this game!

I think I got up in my one league match? Who knows when the app/website shit themselves every 5 minutes… My other league which I am the acting Gill McLachlan will start in R2 after some 11th hour shenanigans from whoever runs AFL Fantasy! Either way, we get a couple of late entrants and a MEGA league of 20… Huge turnout.

If R1 taught us anything at all, it is don’t panic… Unless you had the Xerri bomb, Stewart, Shitfield and Josh Kelly – in that case, stick a fork in your season, you are officially cooked!

I remember when I first wrote this article about 12 months ago and gave my “early trade thoughts”. Of course, any ingenious idea I had on the Sunday/Monday just paled into insignificance when it came to Thursday night team reveals… Either way, R2 is generally a good opportunity to patch up your rooks and jump on someone you missed out on who you are bullish about!

So how did we all go to kickstart 2023? Anyone deleting team already? Let me know in the comments below!

Best of luck for next week legends!

Yours in fantasy,

Fantasy fanatic #70